Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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