finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
