I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
