You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
