im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
