I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i will never coherently bang her
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
