Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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