she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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