I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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