he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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