I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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