Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
