You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
