There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
