Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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