a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
