do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
