well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Alive.
So much puke
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
