got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize