im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
