my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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