Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The best revenge is premature balding
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
