I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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