I want to walk on stilts...naked
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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