I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize