If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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