Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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