she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
