One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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