I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
