I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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