I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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