Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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