Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
