I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
