i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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