i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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