I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
