why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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