Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
