I faked an abortion last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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