I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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