i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I didn't notice because vodka
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
