me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This is my gift to your gina
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
