I think scott just propositioned me for sex
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just threw up on my dentist
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
