and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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