I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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