Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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