I got chris browned last night
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize