$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
