dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
