dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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