The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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