i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
They took my balls.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize