I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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