shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
