This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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