you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize