every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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